It’s certainly been a while since I posted an update here.
I was inspired by this video to actually make a new post.

And here’s a track to try while reading.
It’s a cover of an original Klaatu record.( Also a fine track if I may add ).
Kind of sounds and feels like a mellow balad, a mariage between an ELO and “Kathy McKarthy – Rocket Ship”.

So what’s been going on. I’ve moved out of my parents across the country for a new job. I’ve lived on my own for more than a year now, and still excited about that.

Mostly I’ve tried to learn more about myself. Who I am and what I want. I’m not talking about the special snowflake complex though. Much of what I think about is about my place in the world.
What do I want from my life? What are my options? I actually noticed that I’m VERY sensitive to what others think of me. So sensitive in fact that I had a panic attack a few months ago which was rather wild. Never in my adult life have I felt emotions welling up that strong. It’s gotten better though, and I haven’t had one since. But it opened my eyes to what someone with an actual mental illness might feel. Feeling like that every day that’s torment on a whole new level. It’s astounding how subtle the mind is.  The second thing I picked up from it was that I had to do something about it. Knowing that I can’t change it overnight I took it on myself to try and meditate, to bring my mind at ease.  I’ve been meditating almost daily for a few solid months, I do miss from time to time, but it’s somewhat sticking. Most days are uneventfull but there are actually also days that I feel amazing. As if the world is clear to me, as if I know where I am, a compassion for everything and everyone. A deep understanding of one’s wants and needs. A friend of mine showed me a workshop about non-violent communication ( it involves jackalls and giraffs ) that really struck a chord, it’s liberating to view the world in that way. Basically it boils down to “everything a person says or does has a need tied to it. Find out the need and you’ll never hear a negative critisiscm again.” Here’s a link to the workshop if you’re interested. I highly recommend it, especially if you’re feeling a bit down.

Now ofcourse I’ve also been up to other things, and the explanation above is a bit jumbled together, I’m just excited to put something down. I intend to journal some more and just try to write something weekly. It doens’t really matter what it is actually. A few thing’s I’ve done are some Warhammer Miniature Painting, DM’ed my first BPRD game with total strangers, read a teensy bit of poetry , read a few books. I don’t know what does it really matter what I share? My mind is a bit of a mess anyway, so I might as well show that mess. We’ll see what happens.

If you’ve ever done something, if you stood for something, does it matter what the end result is? You need to do right by yourself.

The key is not putting any expectation on the situation OR on yourself. I’m too harsh and critical of myself, and I intend to work on that, for as long as it may take.
Before I can truly love someone, I need to love myself.

About McBuff

Working as a Revit & Blender 3D "artist" in a retail world. I've graduated as a chemist, and have graduated as a "technical artist" in the world of "interactive 3D". I have that classic dream of one day working as a coder or designer in the sector. I think that the value of the product quality is more important than profit margins and release schedules. A view that sadly is in stark contrast to reality. Generally I am more interested in aspects of life, than aspects of industry. I'm opposed to taking things seriously, when they do not benefit mankind or me. ( But that's just an opinion ).

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